Consuming

Do you have something in your life that is all consuming? Something that controls what you get accomplished during the day and how you spend your night? Something that controls what you can eat, the places you can go? For some people this might be fear or disease, financial strain, loss of a job or other circumstances.

For along time, it was fear and disease that controlled my life. Having cancer changed me as a person. Now, I live daily with my new normal and while everything may appear perfectly normal on the outside, the pain is real and affects my every move. Although, I have been cancer free for a few years now, I am consumed with the way cancer changed my life. I no longer am consumed by the fear that I will get sick again, however I am still consumed by its result. There are things that changed for the better, my perspective for instance, my love for life and appreciation of the little things. However, the damage to my body, mind and soul sometimes can be overwhelming. Since having a radical neck dissection and complete parathyroidectomy in the last days of 2007, I have struggled with anxiety and severe nerve and muscle damage that has resulted in debilitating migraines.

Some days, weeks even I feel hopeful that I have them under control, that is until another one hits. I have tried pain clinics, medication, nerve therapy, massage, chiropractic care, diet change, you name it, nothing seems to work. I have read numerous books on healing, migraines, cancer, etc...I pray for relief and still little seems to help.

Some days are worse than others, aside from the headache, the emotions that come with feeling a lack of control and the desire for change can get the best of me. A pity party results...

While I am certain that I serve a loving God that can do miracles, as was evident in my healing of cancer, somedays I lack faith. Funny, for a woman named Faith, huh?

Today had been one of those days...
Last night, we were relaxing out back, playing games and enjoying a drink while listening to music. I was really enjoying the fact that there was time to relax and the weather was beautiful. As bedtime approached, so did my headache. By 1am I could hardly think straight, I did my routine of warding off the migraine and finally fell asleep about 4am. But by 9am I felt like vomiting from the pain. It's now after 6pm and I've done little other than lay on the couch, yell at my kids and hate life.

My life is truly blessed, I realize this. But sometimes, just sometimes I feel jipped. I HATE that a diagnosis of cancer changed the way I am able to live life.

Tomorrow is a new day and with it is His promise that joy comes in the morning. Tomorrow, I will choose joy. I won't let a stupid migraine control me.